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Can we get the desire back after all these years?

Jun 03, 2024

Relationships often start off sizzling with passion. Everything is new, exciting, and the connection feels effortless. But over time, for many couples, that fiery passion cools down. Maybe you find yourselves in the routine of obligatory once-a-week sex, or perhaps intimacy has vanished altogether. This is a common scenario, and it doesn't mean your relationship is broken or that you're not meant to be together. It’s a dynamic that occurs in many marriages over time, and it’s completely fixable.

Understanding the Dynamics

Let’s talk about why this happens and what we can do to change it. Typically, there’s a high-desire partner and a low-desire partner. The high-desire partner feels the lack of sex deeply, often feeling unwanted and unloved when their advances are rejected. On the other hand, the low-desire partner may feel pressured, guilty, and even broken for not being in the mood as often.

The High-Desire Partner

The high-desire partner often starts to feel rejected and isolated. They might think, “Why doesn’t my partner want me?” This feeling can lead to a sense of unattractiveness and loneliness. It’s not just about the sex; it’s about the craving for connection and closeness. When these feelings are not addressed, the high-desire partner may stop initiating sex, fearing further rejection.

The Low-Desire Partner

Meanwhile, the low-desire partner often feels guilty and pressured. They might feel touched out, stressed by responsibilities, or simply not in the mood. Sometimes they might engage in sex just to avoid conflict or guilt, which doesn’t feel sexy or satisfying for either partner. This dynamic leads to resentment and disconnection.

The Evolution of Relationships

In the beginning, relationships are all about the honeymoon phase—everything is exciting, hormones are flowing, and sex happens organically. But as time passes, responsibilities increase, and those initial hormones level out. This is when couples move into what I call the “responsible relationship phase.”

In this phase, sex doesn’t happen as spontaneously. You’re dealing with careers, kids, and household responsibilities. The intensity of the honeymoon phase gives way to a deeper, more authentic connection. But maintaining passion requires effort and intentionality.

How to Rekindle the Flame

So, how do you bring back the excitement and passion? Here are some strategies to help you and your partner reconnect:

  1. Commit to the Process
    • Both partners need to commit to working on the relationship. It’s not about fixing one person; it’s about addressing the dynamic together.
  2. Understand Your Sexual Blueprints
    • Have conversations about what you both like and dislike. Discuss your preferences for timing, environment, and activities. This helps in creating a mutual understanding and setting the stage for more fulfilling intimacy.
  3. Plan and Schedule Intimacy
    • Spontaneity is wonderful, but in busy lives, planning for intimacy can be just as effective. It might feel contrived at first, but it ensures that sex happens and becomes a priority.
  4. Alleviate Responsibilities
    • Identify what tasks and responsibilities depress the low-desire partner’s brake pedal. The high-desire partner can help by taking on some of these tasks, making it easier for the low-desire partner to relax and get in the mood.
  5. Create a Pressure-Free Zone
    • Approach this process with compassionate curiosity. Remove guilt, shame, and frustration from the equation. These emotions crush desire and make intimacy feel like a chore.

Moving Forward Together

It’s essential to have open, non-judgmental conversations about sex and intimacy. Use tools like the sexual blueprint to guide these discussions and come up with a plan that works for both of you. This might include new ways of initiating sex, setting the mood, and exploring different types of intimacy.

Remember, it’s about moving from living like roommates to loving like soulmates. If you find yourselves needing more support, consider working with a coach or therapist who specializes in relationships and intimacy.


Reviving desire in long-term relationships is a journey that requires effort, understanding, and a willingness to grow together. By committing to the process, alleviating pressures, and having open conversations, you can rekindle the passion and connection in your marriage.

If you’re feeling stuck and need more guidance, this is exactly what I help couples with. Many couples come to me after years of living in a sexless marriage, thinking something is wrong with them. I want to assure you that there is hope. You can move through this phase and create a relationship that feels deeply connected, authentic, and passionately alive.

Let’s work together to transform your marriage into an extraordinary one that lasts a lifetime. Reach out to me if you’re ready to embark on this journey.

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